The Big D

Today's post is a loooooong read. Also, be aware that sometimes I write a bit, ehm, tongue-in-cheek, with relation to diabetes. If I don't seem to take it seriously enough, I'm very sorry, but you'll need to find another blog to read for that. Okay, so go read this already and tell me what you think! 

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So, like I said I would, I am actually writing a post related to this post from last week. I KNOW. It's kind of like a miracle, right?

Anyway.

So I thought I might as well tackle these in the order that I mentioned them... Or something.

Anyway.

Today's post is not really all that fun for me to write. It's honestly a bit daunting. And not a little intimidating. And scary.

But as I have never been one to let intimidation or scariness get in my way (nor am I easily intimidated, let me tell you), here goes.

I have diabetes. But you already knew that.

What you probably didn't know are the things I'm about to share.

First, some facts:

1. Insulin and blood sugar go hand-in-hand. Insulin is the hormone that your body produces (from your pancreas) to process the foods you eat, turning them into usable substances. Before that can happen, though, your body has to turn those foods into glucose. Insulin is what allows the body's cells to break down and actually USE that glucose.

In a normal person, that glucose is used by the cells in your body through the insulin your body provides before it can get to an unsafe range. In a diabetic, there is little or no insulin for your body to break down the glucose with, so the sugar basically floats around in your blood stream while your cells starve to death. Too much of that glucose in your system also allows for it to turn into alcohol (not good).

Blood sugar (or glucose levels) is the amount of glucose in your system at any given time. Everything you put into your body produces glucose. Except water. And air.

And, for even more fun, your body stores glucose and can sometimes choose to dump it into your system just because. Average blood sugar numbers are between 70-140. But one thing to note about blood sugar - after eating, though, a normal blood sugar reading is basically anything under 200.

Hypoglycemia, or "low" blood sugar is anything under 70. Hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) basically means that there is too much insulin in your system and not enough glucose to go around. The effects of low blood sugar can mimic drunkenness. For me, my mind gets fuzzy, I typically have a hard time finding the right words to say what I'm thinking (but that happens a lot anyway! Mommy brain! Ha!), I feel lightheaded or dizzy, and sometimes my fingertips and lips go numb.

Hyperglycemia, or "high" blood sugar is anything above 140, and it is simply the opposite of low blood sugar, in that there is not enough insulin in your system and too much glucose. The effects of high blood sugar are similar to low blood sugar for many people, but for me, they're not at all the same. I usually feel very tired, headachey, nauseated, and am extremely sensitive to everything (and therefore generally tend to turn into witchy-poo until it normalizes).

2. There are TWO kinds of diabetes. The first type is what I have, aptly named, Type 1 Diabetes. It is also called Juvenile Diabetes. It occurs in less than 10% of diabetics. It happens for reasons unknown. It does not run in the family. It is highly unlikely that my children will ever develop diabetes. Type 1 has been linked to everything from overloading on sugar at a young age to reactions to immunizations. It is a complete failure of the pancreas. Period.

I have my own theories about why I am diabetic, but now is not the time for that. Type 1 Diabetes cannot be controlled with diet and exercise, although that stuff really does help... And despite one's best efforts, there are times when waking up with unexplained and seriously high blood sugar just happens. My pancreas is useless. It doesn't produce anything.

The type of diabetes that I have is this: it is a disease that basically takes a functioning part of my body and turns it into useless extra weight. So I have to take meds - insulin... All. The. Time. Or else I die. Period.

The second type of diabetes, appropriately called, Type 2 Diabetes, tends to run in the family. It typically happens in adults age thirty-five and up, and in those who have an (seriously) unhealthy lifestyle and eating habits. Type 2 tends to occur in those who are overweight and have a family history of Type 2 Diabetes.  It often can be controlled by diet and exercise and may not require medication. That is because in most Type 2 diabetics, the pancreas is still functioning somewhat and just needs a kick in the pants.  In my personal opinion, Type 2 often happens because the pancreas simply can't constantly produce enough insulin to keep up with the amount of sugar and/or other unhealthy things that are being processed by said person's body, but once they get that under control, the pancreas (many times, but not always) gets all happy again and can keep up. Sort of. It is still a forever disease, but Type 2 can often be controlled through diet and exercise (though not reversed!). There are still many Type 2 diabetics who do need to take insulin on a regular basis as well, though.

3. Type 1 Diabetes is an auto-immune disease. It is related to thyroid disease, AIDS, and  rheumatoid arthritis, among other things. It is also related (hence the name) to the immune system. Which means - YAY - that as a diabetic, my immune system is seriously compromised. I.e., everything my children drag home gets drug out all over my immune system and I spend a lot of time doing fun things like coughing, sneezing and throwing up. Double yay!

Type 2 Diabetes is NOT an auto-immune disorder. Ninety-five percent of cases of Type 2 Diabetes are related to over-taxation of the pancreas. This is not what happens with a Type 1 diabetic.

4. There is no "real bad" diabetes. It ALL sucks. There are complications. Diabetes is a chronic disease. People throw around the term chronic illness a lot. Like you've been having one cold right after another for the past year, but eventually your immune system will figure it out and everything will be okay. For Type 1 diabetics, it is NOT like that. Diabetes is an ongoing battle, every single minute of every single day. Sadly, it CAN be like that for many Type 2's, but it seems that they often refuse to make the necessary changes for their bodies to naturally deal with insulin resistance.

5. (And what I think may be the most important point here:) Diabetes cannot be separated from my life. No, it doesn't necessarily define me, but it certainly does define a lot of what I do and who I have become. As Kerri's blog, Six Until Me, explains, "Diabetes doesn't define me, but it does help explain me."

In *everything* I do, I have to take into account the fact that I am diabetic.  Everything reminds me of the fact that I wear this disease like an item of clothing that I can neither remove nor mend to make it presentable.

Diabetes is the dirty and tattered rags of an imperfect body that I wear. And every day, in almost every THING I do, I am reminded that I wear them.

I am reminded by my coffee in the morning.

I am reminded with every single bite of food that goes in my mouth.

When I snap at the kids because my blood sugar is high, I am reminded.

I am reminded every time I leave the house and everywhere I go because I have to bring all my "paraphenalia" along.

I am reminded by the fact that I don't wear certain types of clothing because it's simply too difficult to wear them.

Each year, when I am sick more often and for longer than most people I know, I am reminded. 

Packing my suitcases around all the supplies I have to bring when I travel, I am reminded.

Untangling the tubes of my insulin pump from wherever they've wrapped themselves around me at least three times each night, and I am reminded. 

When I have to change my pump site, prick my fingers, pick up my insulin in an unending line at Walgreens, go to the doctor every other week to make sure everything is "okay," or take forty minutes sitting on the floor of a grocery store recovering from a low blood sugar, I am everlastingly reminded.

There is no activity that I do that doesn't serve in some way to remind me that I bear this disease the way some women bear children... Except that there is no relief. There is no birth, no joy of new beginnings. It is just the being swollen and full-to-bursting and uncomfortable and hormonal in a constant and unending cycle of wake-check-inject-sleep.

And yes, since I know you're probably wondering, even sex doesn't escape unscathed. Sex is an even more interesting feat when a bleeping pump and forty-two feet of plastic tubing and, of course - let's not forget - low blood sugar is involved. Or maybe you weren't wondering. And now you are simply to traumatized by the idea to even continue reading. But you know, I figured it would come up eventually, and I should share in the interest of full-disclosure and everything.

So ANYWAY, as they say, "The show must go on!"
 
And OH! The guilt. The guilt of it all. The try-and-fail of every day with this disease.

The responsibility, the heaps-upon-heaps of "Do this, do that, do these other forty things and maybe you'll live until you're 50."

The weight of it, the judgment, the looks, overbearing doctors and pitying nurses and the surprised and shocked looks - "YOU have diabetes????" And most of the time, my heart answers like this: "Why yes. Yes, I do. It is *forever*, and you know NOTHING about what it is like. So go away and leave me alone to eat my chocolate in peace and STOP JUDGING ME."

But the nice me doesn't do much but nod my head and move on.

The scare tactics, the pity, the "Oh, I know someone who was diabetic and they died." (Note: This link is how I found Kerri's blog. I cried when I read it. This has happened and continues to happen ALL. THE. TIME. And until I read this, I just thought it was something about me that caused people to say the things they did.)

The aloneness. Did you know that until three months ago, I did not know another single person with diabetes? Let alone, Type 1. The ONE person I now know is six years old. And I can do nothing but encourage him. I have no friends with diabetes. I've met a few in passing, but there is no one to talk to who "has been there." in this particular area of my life. Type 1 Diabetes is a lonely disease.

There are support groups, yes, but honestly, I wouldn't even know how to get plugged into them, and I don't even know if I would *want* to.

So there you have it, all messy and out in the open. Just the way I like it.

But I won't deny it: this was a scary post to write. And not without emotion. I have never spoken most of these words to anyone. And now they are out in the great, wide internet for God and everybody to read.

And sometimes I wonder if I'm crazy?

Just look at this post.