Happy Mother's Day to all blessed enough to be named so!
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I wrote this yesterday, but didn't get a chance to post it because it wasn't quite finished. It's kind of a two-parter, separated by these neat little lines... Enjoy!
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I'm feeling particularly crummy today. It started yesterday with a minor sore throat and some drippy-nose yuckiness, and now it's moved on to MAJOR sore throat and tsunami-inspiring nasal stuff. Yuck. But even though my plans for this morning have not gone according to plan, I'm not going to let this germy thing drag me down without a fight. Go Vitamin C germ-killing ninjas!
So Friday was an interesting day, from start to finish, actually. Even though I was feeling something like primordial slime half the time.
Early yesterday morning, after I'd dragged myself out of bed and managed to get KayKay off to school, the Ladybug and I snuggled up on the couch to watch Toy Story 2. Lately she's become very enamored with all things Woody and Buzz. Anyway, we were sitting there, and I was mainly watching her watch the movie, when she looked up at me with that precious pacifier smile and said, "Are you my new best friend?"
And my heart stopped. "Yes," I said, and even though I didn't know what to say or how to feel about being the Ladybug's best friend, while at the same time realizing that she doesn't really understand the concept of "best friends" yet herself.
After I said yes, she smiled and turned back to the movie for a moment, leaving me there to contemplate what she'd just said, how good her warm plump body felt all snuggled up against mine, and how short the days were that she would still fit into my lap like the little bug that she is. Then she looked up at me again and said, "You're my vewy best friend in the whoooole world except Jesus."
How heart-breakingly beautiful and sweet. So wonderful that Jesus comes first to her, even as this young age. It was such a dear moment, but was one that I'm wholly unready for. I'm not ready to be the best friend, I still want to be the Mommy... The one who kisses booboos and sings lullabies and who finds the lost paci when it's sleepy time. The one who cools small fevered brows and soothes away bad dreams. Who is not relegated to the mere capacity of friend, but who is the sun, the moon, the stars, and the whole universe wrapped up into one. Some day, oh yes, some far-off distant day, I want to be the best friend, but now... Now I just want pudgy baby fingers wrapped around mine and the smell of pink-scrubbed silky skin and big blue eyes who look at me with all the secrets of God hidden behind them.
Let KayKay be the best friend, the bearer of little girl secrets, and let me listen in with a smile and be the beloved Mommy, at least for a little while longer. I am already somewhere between the everything and the best friend to KayKay, although it's awful for me to admit. My first baby is a baby no longer, but instead a full-blown little girl, complete with her own ideas about life and clothes and what things that must be "important."
And terribly, sadly, with all the regrets in the world, I didn't take the time to fully enjoy her. Part of it was due to the fact that I was a hormonal and physical mess for nearly two years after KayKay's birth, yes, but that doesn't lessen my sadness over the fact that I can't remember much of her babyhood. She's already blooming, and I feel as though I missed out on the bud.
So let the days, the hours, the minutes, slow to near stopping - stretch each moment that much longer - just so that I can stay the Mommy and play with little fingers while listening to little giggles. Let me breathe deeply and enjoy the innocence that is childhood for some time more before I must step into the role of friend.
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Although it's on a completely different subject, I felt that I must share this quick anecdote from yesterday as well:
Last night, Friday, I took KayKay to a special worship service. They have these every couple of months, and I feel that it is a good way for her and I to connect outside home and school, as well as connecting her to her growing faith in a very tangible way. She is very attuned to the Spirit afterward, which I love to see. Her faith always seems to grow and she really enjoys them... And of course, being six, she really likes the fact that she can stay up extra late. Whoo-hoo!
So about midway through the service, KayKay broke out her crayons and paper which we'd brought in case she got tired of listening, and began to draw. After a little while of drawing, she took another paper, and wrote a letter to God:
Dear God,
I pray every night.
You are the only God.
I go to church.
What is heaven like?
Love, KayKay
And then, when she finished, she looked up at me in all seriousness and whispered quite loudly,
"Do you know God's address???"
To which I laughed quite loudly, causing a bit of uproar in the back of the church. Ah, well.
I'm certain that God was laughing with us from His throne.
P.S. - The title of this post is KayKay's idea (which she shared with me later) of how to get her letter to God, since none of us knew His address. I had to laugh again at her practicality and imagination. It's certainly possible that if we shot God letters into the sky with a giant slingshot, He might just reach down and catch them!
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