On History

So here it is, a rainy Saturday night, after a grey Saturday day, and I'm thinking. (Surprise!)

Thinking about lots of things, but this last week, something has kind of been floating around my head and won't let go.

You see, I made a connection the other day, and for me, it was kind of an epiphany.

It's this idea of history.

So. What is history?

You know that, right? It's the long and distant past. That place that lives in the back, forgotten corners of our mind, filled with useless facts about Napoleon and Tolstoy and Cleopatra and the Civil War. It's the collective memory our nation, our people, the world.

But is it more personal than that? Of course. It's the dusty boxes filled with the things we did before moving that last time, marriage, kids, the dog. It's the closed up spaces of our personal lives, where our mistakes (and often guilt) reside.

But then I am thinking... What is history, if it is not in relation to this idea of the collective past, but it is also not the history that is our own personal story?

And I hear you thinking, "Well, Kristen, that doesn't leave you with much. You've covered THE WORLD and you've covered YOUR SELF. What else is there? And where the heck are you going with this?!?!?!"

Bear with me here.

And let me tell you the back story.

I've been batting around some thoughts pertaining to my parents' marriage (and later, lack thereof), and my grandparents' marriages and relational issues. I've been thinking about what I have learned about marriage, the roles of husband and wife in marriage, the roles of men and women in general, from my parents and grandparents and even from what I know of my great-grandparents.

Then the Daddy and I had a conversation about our parents' and our parents' marriages, and I asked him, "What do you think you learned about marriage from your parents?"

Well, he didn't much know what to do with that question, but after some deliberation, he decided that there were no major lessons which came to mind, so "Nothing."

In my mind, I ask, how is that possible? How is it possible to live with two other people for the entirety of your formative years and not come away with ANYTHING?

It's not. As a child, even if you're not paying attention, those relational dynamics are speaking to you in ways you cannot understand or imagine. And for better or worse, they will influence much of how you view the opposite sex and significant relationships in later life.

I simply think that I threw the Daddy for a loop with my question, and at some point he'll come back to me with, hopefully, some thoughts.

But anyway.

That conversation got me to thinking more. Let's bring out the psychologist wig here for a minute, because Kristen wants to wear her Freudian hair.

To what degree does our view of marriage come from the marriages we are most intimately connected to? What effect does the relationships of our parents, grandparents, and even great-grandparents have on OUR relationship today, if any?

What connections can be made between our past and the course that our present is taking?

And this is where the "Aha!" moment came - the oft-quoted saying by George Santayana:

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.

It flitted through my mind, and the lightbulb came on.

Wait... What?

This is not the far distant collective past we are talking about here. This is OUR history. The history of the generations who walked before us and bore our grandparents and our parents, who brought them up and lived out their lives before us. It is THEIR mistakes that are often repeated in our own lives.

It's not that I didn't already know this.

I did.

But I didn't UNDERSTAND it in the way that I understand it now.

Those: Me.

Who DO NOT LEARN: Take in knowledge of what's needed and put it into action to make positive change.

From History: The history just outside my own that directly impacts me - my parents', grandparents' and great-grandparents' lives.

Are DOOMED: There is no hope for any other outcome.

To Repeat It: Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over, to the third and fourth generations.

Whoa.

To say it another way: If I do not take what I know from my family's lives and then choose to use understanding and knowledge to make practical changes in my *own* life, then I am set up to fail in every area of my life that THEY struggled with in theirs. In marriage. In parenting. In friendships. In working relationships. In character. In faith.

And this is outside of my own issues and areas that I would struggle with anyways. And it applies to *everything*.

Double whoa.

And yikes.

This is on the one hand, a very, very scary prospect.

And on the other... A beautiful opportunity.

Because I don't adhere to the whole, "Can't teach an old dog new tricks." philosophy. That's a bunch of bulls&%t, if you ask me. It might be HARDER to teach an old dog new tricks, but they can learn them! And this dog ain't old enough that she can't learn and learn and learn and keep on learning.

Because I am determined that unless God reaches down from heaven to stop me, my life WILL be different. For the better, hopefully.

I am determined to not live out unhealthy relational dynamics, but instead live in healthy ones. Ones where truth and life and hope flourish. Ones where excellence is the standard. Ones where love - good, hard, aching, growing, giving love - reigns. Ones where we work out the kinks and move on instead of stewing. Ones where our children and grandchildren and great-grandchildren are not STUCK, the way we were. Because we learned.

And so, here I am. Looking to start (Or continue, push forward, keep going... Whatever. You know what I mean.) this journey into learning and change even more than I have ever been. And move out of the cycles of anger, and impatience, and divorce, and fickleness, and fear, and hopelessness, and impossible expectations that have driven so many of the relationships in my life and my marriage.

Yes. It is time.

Have you ever thought about it this way? Am I just covering stuff that's old hat here or what? What do you hope to learn so you can move into change? I'd love to hear!